if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
