When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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