My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
