I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
