After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
