apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
