when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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