so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
