Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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