I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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