On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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