when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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