Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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