I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
