Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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