you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I forgot how hot balto sounded
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
