i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
being pregnant is like rehab
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
