you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
