This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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