woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
