Who wears a wallet chain?!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We need to get me chipped asap
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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