He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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