she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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