After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
