how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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