I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
