I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Everyone says I win the strip club
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
