We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
