just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
White coat. Heels.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
