Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
