last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
