I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
