I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
