I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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