Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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