you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
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