sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
wow bdsm is so cute
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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