Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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