Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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