As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You brought string cheese to the strip club
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
