my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
