Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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