the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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