hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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