we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
