Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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