Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
