Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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