So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
