She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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