I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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