i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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