I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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