did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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