Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
